Category Archives: Ask Jagger

Ask Jagger: I’m 22, he’s 33. We have everything in common, but I fear the age issue bothers him

Dear Jagger,
I’ve never done this before but I do need some advice. I liked the advice you gave in a couple recent posts so I respect your answers.
I’m 22 and the guy I’ve liked for a while is 33. I wouldn’t bother with an email if I didn’t truly like‎ him.
When we first started dating he was head over heels for me, couldn’t get enough of me but he could read that I didn’t feel as strongly as he did and I think he pulled away for that reason. Months pass, still “seeing” each other but our visits were less and less and I realized how much he meant to me. Long story short, it’s been a year of this in between and seeing each other every once in a while. We have EVERYTHING in common, he introduces me to all of his close friends and family, we’re intimate sometimes but there’s no commitment or enough encounters for it to be something. I’ve never brought it up because I can read his body language that something is holding him back. Anytime he asks me who I’m with/ spending the weekend with or whatever he always seems to ask what their age is. 
(I also know who contacts who first is important and I would say he does a little more than I do)
My question is do you think the age is what is holding him back?
Signed, 
Emily

Dear Emily,

It sounds like you just answered your own question!  The immediate hit I got is your age concerns him.  Those who are ages 15-25 tend to change and develop more often in that short amount of time than someone of any other age.  He knows this since he’s already lived through those years.  The one thing you both have is a friendship right now.  It’s easier to move things into something more if you’re already friends to begin with.  He’s likely to take things more seriously when it comes to romantic relationships than you might.  Therefore his hesitance is transparent.  He’s not going to dive in until he knows for sure, because once he’s in it, he’s in it for the long haul.  He testing the waters around you by asking you personal questions such as who were you with, how old were they?  He wants to see if there’s a pattern.  If he suspects that they’re mostly your age, then he’ll come to the conclusion that he’s being outlandish to even consider that this could be something that could turn romantic down the line.  He has all the time in the world, so he’ll continue to be patient over the years to see what transpires or doesn’t.  Continue being his friend and if it is indeed meant to be, then it will move in that direction naturally and on its own course.
Jagger

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used if you say so.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about his journey to finding his current relationship.  Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

**The book Jagger’s Revolution has currently been banned by the distributor due to what they consider illegal in the United States.   Stay tuned as the book will be re-released in the near future with the offending material removed. **

~  Kevin Hunter

www.kevin-hunter.com

Empowerment, inspirational and self-help books by Kevin Hunter
are available in paperback and kindle wherever books are sold.

The content in the books, “Warrior of Light” and “Empowering Spirit Wisdom” is
available in the Warrior of Light series of mini-books:

Ask Jagger: Guy on Grindr is Difficult to Make Plans With

Dear Jagger,

I met up with this guy a few weeks ago via grindr. It was just a casual encounter, but somehow I feel like I’m developing feelings for him. I’ve been trying to hang out with him again, not just for a hookup, but it hasn’t happened yet. He will text back and hold a conversation but he’s always too busy to do anything. I’m starting to wonder if he’s avoiding me or not interested. It’s a strange situation since I’m bisexual and haven’t had strong feelings for a male before, and he’s not completely sure whether he is gay or not. I’m not sure how to tell him I want to get to know him more without coming on too strong. I’m also wondering if I should ask him if he wants me to stop contacting him because he’s been very difficult to make plans with. 
 
Sam

Dear Sam,

From the timeline when your email was sent and in estimating when you connected with this guy, this was around Mid-March during the Mercury Retrograde phase.  Everyone is unavailable and unable to pin down a date to connect during that transit.  Now that we are passed all of that I’m curious to know if he’s come around as the probability is likely or he that he would have just fallen to the wayside.

All planetary talk aside:

You both have a common thread going on at this juncture in your lives.  You are both in an exploring phase testing the waters to find out what it is you both want and are attracted to.

It can be difficult to resist a physical connection with someone you have just met, but typically when that is how a relationship starts that’s usually where it ends.  There are exceptions to that rule of course, but I don’t speak in specifics.

You have been meeting more than half way attempting to meet with him again.  He is not being responsive so the best thing to do would be to back off.  Let him know you’re interested in hanging out instead of going out, but that you are going to leave the ball in his court.  Let him also know that if he’s interested in hanging out, then to hit you up.  I would not imply that you want to go out on a date as that will scare him off.  With this one you’ll have to ease him in slowly as if he’s just a friend.  You’ll have a chance to get to know him better on a friend basis if he agrees.  When someone is really interested in you, then they are going to let you know.  Even if they are too busy, they will suggest something like, “This is a busy week, but I am available next week on Tuesday and would love to do get together.”

Grindr can be a great way to meet people, but many people on there may not have the relationship seeking intentions that you might have.  It’s not impossible, but unfortunately the odds are slim.  The majority of those guys tend to be looking to get it on more than anything else.  The connections are typically short lived.

Jagger

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only.   It should not be a replacement for treatment.

More Ask Jagger columns here

 

Ask Jagger: My Boyfriend is on Grindr. At what point does a relationship become monogamous?

Dear Jagger,

If you’re seeing someone for just over a month, and you know both of you are on scruff and grinder and stuff too, what is the protocol? I’ve been seeing someone but while we are still getting to know each other it’s not exclusive yet so I assume seeing other people isn’t a biggie yet. I think it’s getting to a point where I will close everything else down but want to know when you think it’s appropriate to discuss etc.

Thank you,

Tony

Dear Tony,

If you’re dating someone and they are hanging out on grindr, then there are a number of things going on with them.

1) They are not that interested in you.

2) They  simply don’t know any better.

3) They don’t give a shit.

4) They are unaware that you are both together.

5) They are looking for back up.

Any or all of the above are reasons enough to take a good hard look at who you are dating and if that jives with what your values.  Grindr is ultimately a hook up sex app.  It is not a buddy finder even though I’m sure friends have been made on it.  They aren’t genuine because the ones that are paying attention to you on there are doing so if they feel you are fuck worthy.  This is what I discovered in my research with it.

If you’re dating, then that means you are going out together, doing things together, sleeping together, kissing.  If that’s going on then they should not be on any dating or sex app/site at all.  There are billions of people in the world and tons of potentials who have no interest in any of that.  Staying on grindr or scruff while serious with someone is a mindless act that will eventually end the potential relationship.

When I’m enjoying who I am dating, I’m not looking around to date other people and nor am I on grindr, scruff or whatever app is out there.  I’m happy with what I have and not interested in anything else.  If you have both seen each other more than five times this past month, then obviously you’re both interested in one another. The question is interested in what? Is it a romantic connection, platonic or moving towards just a friendship and hanging out sort of thing?

This is a little tricky, because you have seen him on grindr and the only way you could have is if you were on there too.  If you have the talk this soon in, then he may feel you’re trying to rush things, when you’re really just uncomfortable that he’s hanging on those apps.  It is unfortunate that a talk like this has to happen at all. You’d think someone would have enough common sense to know what is or isn’t appropriate. Not that this guy is dating or meeting anyone on grindr. He could simply be chatting, but you only do that if you’re bored. If that’s what he does when he’s bored then this isn’t someone who is very productive in life.  You will have to bring it up sooner or later, but I’d first figure out what his interest in you is (i.e. friendship/romance etc.)

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about his journey to finding his current relationship and his dating hand guide, “Dude 101“. Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

also available in kindle

 
Copyright © 2012-2013 Kevin Hunter

Ask Jagger: My Dates Drop Off the Face of the Earth

Dear Jagger,

I know this is probably the same everywhere, but why is it so hard to find guys that actually wanna date?  A couple weeks ago I had a few first dates set up. On two of them we had a great time. But yet afterwards they pretty much just dropped off the face of the earth. I was interested in getting to know them better but yet it doesn’t seem I will get the chance. It doesn’t seem like these were guys that were looking for hookups so I don’t think that was the reason we haven’t hung out again. It just frustrates me that after having good dates, guys disappear. Not to be cocky but I think I am a reasonably attractive guy. I have a good job. I am a nice person. But yet it seems to be extremely difficult for me to get past first dates. Starting to think I must be doing something wrong or not ‘playing’ the game correctly.

Signed,

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

Welcome to the modern day dating world.  It’s a sad reality, but true.  The internet and ease of finding people have locked people behind bars at home searching for another one to meet with.  You have also proven that theory by shot gun dating yourself.  On the one hand that’s great to set up a situation where you’re speed dating through several people in a week, but that can be way too much work getting to know someone which takes time.  It’s possible that that was likely showing with the two guys you actually did like.  They may have felt as if they were on a job interview, because essentially you were probably talking to all of them about the same things.  Pace yourself when dating and focus on one date at a time.  This is not a contest or a race to the finish line.  This will improve your chances on finding someone who actually sticks around.

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about finding his current relationship and Jagger’s dating hand guide, “Dude 101“.  Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

also available in kindle

 
Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter

Ask Jagger: I Had a Hookup That Grew More Serious and Ended Abruptly

Dear Jagger,

I just got out of an 8 month long relationship…it was on and off though and had a lot of drama…mostly my fault. After things just ended so quickly, I tried to just be friends with him. I texted and waited in front of his place and even bought basketball tickets, which I had to just sell off immediately for a lower price. In the end, when I asked him if he wanted to see me, he said no.

 

This is my first serious relationship ever, where it started out as a hookup and ended up being more serious. We were very physically active as well. Thinking back, I just realize that I missed out on a really great guy. He said he liked me at first and wanted to date me. He bought dinners. If only I had a time machine to go back and smack myself. Both of us were not out, although I was still experimenting and he had more experience with guys than I did. I guess what was devastating for me is that things ended so quickly. It’s only been over a week since we last talked where I finally realized that he did not want to see me anymore, but I still have thoughts of us getting back together and about the good times we had. Maybe because it’s still new and he was my first serious relationship, but I don’t know whether I can get over this guy. He was able to find another guy, which he seems serious about. I also hooked up with other guys as well, which I am not proud of. I guess I just need more time.

How do you move on from serious heartbreak?

Brian.

Dear Brian,

I don’t want to diminish the feelings you had, but 8 months is not a long term relationship.  It’s dating.  Dating is the process of elimination and you date someone to see if you’re both a match and to see if it can develop into a serious relationship down the line.  If there was drama that soon into it, then that is a red flag.  You can’t go into a new dating situation with drama.  There is no way for him to get into something serious with someone that quickly.  That’s not serious, but terminal.

You had a brief hot, passionate affair that burned out abruptly.  When the union is based primarily on passion then that can bring out the drama.  You were attracted to the rush, excitement and newness of this and displayed fears that it would end.  With the next guy, don’t get attached too quickly as easy as that can be.  Communicate.  Make sure you’re both facing forward in the same direction and have the same interests.  Right now you’re missing the fun you two had, but as trite as this will sound, over time that will fade.  Don’t contact him and remove all traces of him.  You’ll find someone else to have fun with where there won’t be any drama.

This ended abruptly and you both immediately had sex with other people instead of working out your issues.  He got a whiff of this drama and said that this isn’t something he’s interested involved in.  He made his choice and is being smart.  You need to take a step back and take the lessons you’ve learned from this as not all dating scenarios are meant to go the distance.  This is why we date often and have several relationships or sometimes more before the real deal comes in because by then you’ve had enough experience on knowing what to do, what not to do as well as what you’ll tolerate up front and what you won’t.

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about finding his current relationship and Jagger’s dating hand guide, “Dude 101“.  Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

also available in kindle

 
Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter

Ask Jagger: The Guy I’m Dating is Married to His Family

Dear Jagger,

I have been dating a Vietnamese guy since July. He is sweet, kind, hard working, and thoughtful. Being a 5 yr newbie (to the gay world) I have dated a cast of clowns, liars, douche bags, cheaters and users. Some of the aforementioned were fine for what they were, but I am truly seeking a LTR.

My current man, like many, does bring some issues.  First, he is not out to his family (but I am certain they know) Second, he probably can never leave them (for a handful of legitimate and sad reasons) We also struggle at times to communicate. On the flip side, he does embody SO MANY of the positive qualities I wish for in my guy. As stated, he is kind, thoughtful, loving, affectionate, hard working, and has family values.

As stated, he can’t leave his family. My problem is do I stay with him or keep looking. YES, I prefer to have my man move in SOME day. He can’t. Yet, I do love him for what he is. He is the best overall guy I have met.

Maybe I am answering my own question. Maybe I should stay with him, see how our relationship progresses, and THEN decide. Maybe I am in too much of a hurry to land HIM and not enjoying and appreciating what I have right now.

thoughts…. ??

Signed,

Richard

Dear Richard,

You’ve only been dating for three months.  Everyone is kind, loving and sweet in the beginning. If you’re enjoying his company then that’s all you should be focused on at the moment. After a year and some change then come back and revisit this question to see where you’re both at.  He may be ready to take it to the next level which can include cohabitation.  If you know from him that for sure he will never be able to move in with you and this bothers you, then you will need to decide how important that is to you.  If you can’t live like that, then end it now before you waste your time or his.  There are many couples who are in successful, monogamous, long term relationships and reside in separate residences.

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about finding his current relationship and Jagger’s dating hand guide, “Dude 101“.  Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

also available in kindle

 
Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter

Ask Jagger: The Guy I Met In a Bar Stopped Contacting Me

Dear Jagger,

I was at a bar that I often go to a few weeks ago when I saw this really cute guy sitting across the bar. He was smiling there and had amazing energy. I don’t usually don’t approach guys (too shy), but was drawn to him and found myself introducing myself. He was so nice and we had an amazing time.  I told him I had a date the next day, but would cancel if I had a better offer. We went on one of the best dates of my life. We went out to dinner, talked about our families and more. We both seem to be headed in the same direction, but to be honest my income is smaller.

He took me home that night after a drink at the same bar and we cuddled till he drove me to work at 5:30AM!  As stupid as it is I had thought that this time it would be different.

The next date was ok, but he spent the whole night complaining about the movie.  He always said it was uncomfortable when I put my arm around him (seating wise).  We planned a date two days ago, which he cancelled, but offered to go out and go to my place yesterday which he cancelled 30 minutes after he was supposed to pick me up.  I was so sad (already stressed from needing to move in less than a month and my job is sucking).  He asked me to go to lunch with him today and I hesitantly agreed.  Should I be mad?  If he blows me off again I’m done. He hasn’t confirmed lunch today and I haven’t heard from him.  I’m 23.

Signed,

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

You’re coming to grips with the realities of the modern day dating world.  You got too close too quickly and this scared him off.  You’re not going to meet a quality relationship guy in a bar.  You may meet a satisfying intimate encounter as you did here for one night, but it won’t turn into anything more than that.  People in bars are either desperately lonely or looking to have some fun, they’re not looking for their husband.

This is a lesson for you to take it slow with the next guy.  It’s understandable to become giddy with excitement over a new prospect, but when you get overly anxious you find yourself behaving in ways that you wished you hadn’t.  It’s always important to take it slow and understand that some people also have busy lives.  This is still no excuse for him to be flaky and uncommunicative when it comes to making plans with someone.  You got a taste of how it would be if you both sealed the deal at a later date.  Something tells me that this would’ve frustrated you in the end anyway.

You’re stressing out over your job and with making a physical move.  This is not the time to attach yourself to a new love interest.  Make sure you’re at a place of contentment before you attempt to dive into a relationship.

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about finding his current relationship and Jagger’s dating hand guide, “Dude 101“.  Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

also available in kindle

 
Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter

Ask Jagger: I Have a Crush On a Guy Who Says I’m Too Young To Date

Dear Jagger

I met a guy 3 years older than me (I’m 15, He’s 18). At the beginning (October 2011) he was always nice, smiling at me (but didn’t stare at me) and I thought that he liked me. One day he saw me with some 9th graders and he seemed surprised. After a month I told him by chat that I like him and to tell nobody. On the next day I asked him by chat again if there was any chance for me to stay with him, and he said no and that I’m too young for him. He told me that I should find someone else my age.

I asked a mutual friend to ask him what does he think about me and this friend told me that he thinks that I am pretty, but too young. He also said that if I was older he wouldn’t mind being my boyfriend.

It’s been 1 year (October 2012) and we still don’t talk and some guys told me that they knew I like him and one of the guys told me that he don’t believe that the boy I like will change his opinion about me. But he (the boy I like) is confusing me because he is smiling and staring at me with his mouth half open (I read that’s a sign that he is feeling attracted) all the time. One day he made me a seductive glance and he wasn’t paying attention to his friends while staring at me. Sometimes when he sees me, his face is like surprised and with the mouth half open. When I’m closer, he does that and he looks me in the eyes.

I seriously don’t understand him. If you could clear my mind, I appreciate it. Thank you.

(Sorry about the English)

Rita

Dear Rita,

It can be a wonderful feeling having a love crush on someone and knowing that they may be possibly crushing on you as well. However, there is one temporary setback in this situation. He is curious and interested in you, but he’s also being smart. You are not that much younger than him, but in the eyes of the law you are. A three year age difference is nothing, but it is something when you are 15 and he is 18. I don’t know what state you’re writing from, but in many states you’re not of legal age until 18. It can get messy if you date an 18 year old. 

{Paragraph removed due to the censorship police being offended by the truth dictated in this particular column and I say fuck you to that}

He’s showing good judgment and restraint by not pursuing anything as he knows it could be trouble in the end. However, once you’re 18 and he’s 21 then it’s no longer a big deal. It’s funny how an age difference suddenly becomes irrelevant as you get older. If he’s the one and this is a union that’s meant to happen, then the opportunity to explore something will still be there. In the meantime, if you truly do like him, then build a friendship with him for now. Let him know you’re perfectly willing to see where you’re both at when you turn 18 with the possibility of a relationship. This will also give you plenty of time to get to know him, and see if your feelings for him are still the same and haven’t changed. You should always be friends with someone first before you get involved with them.

I’m showing one stage or cycle coming to an end and a new one beginning. This can present an opportunity for something even greater down the line. Surrender this need to have him in a relationship at this time. Remember that you are not giving up on what you want; you are simply giving up on trying to control the outcome of this. Trust that everything will be resolved in your best interest in the end. In the meantime, use this time to get to know him as a friend. If you need to work more of this out, please don’t hesitate to contact me again.

 

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Heartbreak and love troubles are an equal opportunity killer.  Everyone can relate to these circumstances by putting themselves in your shoes.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about his journey to finding his current relationship and his dating hand guide, “Dude 101“. Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

 

 

 

 

 

 

also available in kindle

 
Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter

Ask Jagger: As Trite As It Sounds, Time Heals All Wounds

Dear Jagger,

I’m 20 and was dating this amazing guy I met in NYC, we were together for 5 months, everything looked too good to be real, we argued like every other couple and I got jealous sometimes, then I found out he was still talking to his ex bf and other guys and I got really hurt and I asked him to break up, he cried and told me to give him another chance and I did, then this monday everything was ok and at night he says goodnight ill text u in the morning, the next day he didn’t appear at all and texted me around 8 pm breaking up with me and turning his phone off and I couldn’t reply or call him back :/ so I just ended up with a lot of feelings inside without being able to express everything, I felt I was in heaven with him and he pushed me to earth again. I’ve been crying all of these days and I just feel the need to talk to him, his phone is still off. I kinda think he found another guy.

What can I do to get over this?

Signed,

Saddened

Dear Saddened,

I’m sorry to hear this happened, but as trite as it sounds time does heal all wounds.  I’m going to assume that this guy was also very young as his lack of maturity in the way he broke up with you shines through.  All relationships happen for a reason so look at the lessons you’ve learned and gained from this one.  He was still hung up on his ex and although arguments do come up in relationships, they generally don’t come up this soon.  So if you were both experiencing jealousy and heavy emotions this quickly in the beginning, it can only go one way….down.  I’m gathering he was feeling suffocated by the demands of the relationship and who he can talk to. It was easier for him to just rip the band aid off and disappear, which is the immature way to do it.  I believe he was still attached to his ex as well.  It was too soon for him to be seeing someone else when he clearly has a strong pull towards his previous guy.  I would date a little older than this guy as they tend to be much more grounded and mature.

In the meantime, work out your feelings with friends or a counselor.  Avoid drowning your sorrows in alcohol and watch comedies!  They raise your energy level and vibration.  You have my email address and may vent and release anytime you feel like it.  I will walk you through this dark passage.

 

 

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Heartbreak and love troubles are an equal opportunity killer.  Everyone can relate to these circumstances by putting themselves in your shoes.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about his journey to finding his current relationship and his dating hand guide, “Dude 101“. Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

also available in kindle

 
Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter

Ask Jagger: Long Distance Relationships and Open Relationships

Dear Jagger,

What do you think of long distance relationships and having an open relationship? Is it a good thing or bad?

That way no one has to feel bad about cheating.

My boyfriend left out of state for 4 months for work. We decided to still date since he’ll be coming back. We have been dating for 4 months. Should we have an open relationship since I don’t want to be stressing if he’s going to be talking to other people? I should trust him and he should trust me, but I don’t think we have been dating long enough for me to trust him. Should we break up and or should I wait for him since I do like him a lot and I could see us together for a long time. What do you think?

Signed,

Curious

Dear Curious,

Long distance relationships rarely work and open relationships are not real relationships.

Long distance relationships require a huge amount of trust and you’re already admitting to lacking that.  They work with two mature busy professionals that agree to see each other within a set time frame every month and plan to live in the same city at some point.

You say you don’t want to be stressing that he’ll be talking to other people, but if you have an open relationship that’s exactly what he’ll be doing. You’ve been dating for four months and you already don’t trust him. Yes, you should break up and remain friends because that’s where its headed regardless. This is what an open relationship is essentially.  He’ll meet someone else on this little open relationship experiment and end up committing to that guy because at least they’ll be in the same city.  Open relationships are simply friends with benefits disguised under a false label such as ‘open relationship’. It opens the door to more danger into the crumbling of a faulty commitment set up.

There are couples who agree to date and fuck around while in a relationship and they call it an open relationship.  This is fine as they’ve agreed to this set up as a couple.  What isn’t fine is the false label put to it.  It’s ‘friends with benefits’, not an ‘open relationship’.

You like him a lot because it’s only been 4 months and its fresh and new.  Will you still be head over heels for him in two years?  Break up and date other people and avoid hiding behind the open relationship title.  You’re both going to be dating other people anyway.  If its meant to be, then you’ll be brought together again in the same city in the future.

 

 

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Heartbreak and love troubles are an equal opportunity killer.  Everyone can relate to these circumstances by putting themselves in your shoes.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about his journey to finding his current relationship and his dating hand guide, “Dude 101“. Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

More Ask Jagger columns here

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Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter
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