Ask Jagger: My Boyfriend is on Grindr. At what point does a relationship become monogamous?

Dear Jagger,

If you’re seeing someone for just over a month, and you know both of you are on scruff and grinder and stuff too, what is the protocol? I’ve been seeing someone but while we are still getting to know each other it’s not exclusive yet so I assume seeing other people isn’t a biggie yet. I think it’s getting to a point where I will close everything else down but want to know when you think it’s appropriate to discuss etc.

Thank you,


Dear Tony,

If you’re dating someone and they are hanging out on grindr, then there are a number of things going on with them.

1) They are not that interested in you.

2) They  simply don’t know any better.

3) They don’t give a shit.

4) They are unaware that you are both together.

5) They are looking for back up.

Any or all of the above are reasons enough to take a good hard look at who you are dating and if that jives with what your values.  Grindr is ultimately a hook up sex app.  It is not a buddy finder even though I’m sure friends have been made on it.  They aren’t genuine because the ones that are paying attention to you on there are doing so if they feel you are fuck worthy.  This is what I discovered in my research with it.

If you’re dating, then that means you are going out together, doing things together, sleeping together, kissing.  If that’s going on then they should not be on any dating or sex app/site at all.  There are billions of people in the world and tons of potentials who have no interest in any of that.  Staying on grindr or scruff while serious with someone is a mindless act that will eventually end the potential relationship.

When I’m enjoying who I am dating, I’m not looking around to date other people and nor am I on grindr, scruff or whatever app is out there.  I’m happy with what I have and not interested in anything else.  If you have both seen each other more than five times this past month, then obviously you’re both interested in one another. The question is interested in what? Is it a romantic connection, platonic or moving towards just a friendship and hanging out sort of thing?

This is a little tricky, because you have seen him on grindr and the only way you could have is if you were on there too.  If you have the talk this soon in, then he may feel you’re trying to rush things, when you’re really just uncomfortable that he’s hanging on those apps.  It is unfortunate that a talk like this has to happen at all. You’d think someone would have enough common sense to know what is or isn’t appropriate. Not that this guy is dating or meeting anyone on grindr. He could simply be chatting, but you only do that if you’re bored. If that’s what he does when he’s bored then this isn’t someone who is very productive in life.  You will have to bring it up sooner or later, but I’d first figure out what his interest in you is (i.e. friendship/romance etc.)

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about his journey to finding his current relationship and his dating hand guide, “Dude 101“. Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

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Posted on January 3, 2013, in Advice Column, Ask Jagger, Ask Kevin Hunter, Dude Lit, Gay, Kevin Hunter Author Writer, Sex, Young Adults and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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