Ask Jagger: I Let Him Get Away, But I Still Love Him

Dear Jagger,

I’m 21, a guy, bisexual and currently not out. In April 2011 (when i was 19) I met an incredible guy, who I will refer to as – Mark.  When I was away at school, we had amazing chemistry and spent some really great time together. When I say amazing chemistry – I’m talking something that I’ve never experienced before – emotionally, sexually, everything, it was unreal. So Mark asked me way back then if there was any way I thought we could take things in the direction of a relationship, I told him that thought I did as I really liked him, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship with a guy. In my mind there were just too many obstacles facing me and the idea of being in a relationship with him, though in retrospect that was what I wanted more than anything.

After that, we drifted apart, I really missed him but figured I’d eventually get over him. Truth be told, I couldn’t stop thinking about him everyday. In late August 2011, I bumped into him on campus, and he suggested we hangout sometime soon, and said that he’d be leaving at the end of the month to move to another city for grad school. We met a few days later and spent an amazing night together. One of the things he told me was “You’re a great, great guy.  When you’re ready, you’re going to have no problem finding someone. I can see myself with someone like you.” I wanted so badly for that person to be me, but at the time it still seemed so impossible.  What was I thinking?

A few days later he moved away to a city about 1.5 hrs away. He invited me to come visit him and go to a concert together in the fall, but I wasn’t able to make it. I spent a long, long time trying to forget about him, but was never able to. In the meantime I got into a relationship with a girl. Mark and I would still text occasionally, but that dwindled away by winter.

In late June 2012, I was coming home from work and randomly decided to go into a grocery store that I never go to, believe it or not – Mark was inside the front door. He was in town for a few days/  It was so wonderful to see him after so long, but at the same time so painful as well. In my head I started thinking that he must not have wanted to see me – since he was in town and didn’t bother telling me. He suggested though that we meet up the next day, so we did. He bought us coffee and we went for a walk.  He told me that he was seeing someone and I told him that I was too. It was horrible. However, since that run in, Mark and I started texting again, and he’d text me telling me about things like a song that reminded him of me.  In one text he told me that I’d looked “really good last time” he saw me.

A few weeks ago, I broke up with the girl I was seeing – it really wasn’t working for various reasons. This came up in a text convo with Mark and he told me that he was also now single. I was ecstatic at the fact that he was single.  I’ve reached a point where I can’t believe how much time I wasted when I could have been with someone that I love. If he would take me now, I would be with him in a heartbeat. However, I’m not sure if he still feels the same about me. I have felt so sick lately trying to figure out what to do about this. He’s been away on a trip with friends.  I’ve been working, but come September we’ll just be 1.5 hrs away again. I did text him one day and said “it’d be great to see you again Mark.  I’d really like to talk sometime. Maybe we could meet up when you’re back in Ottawa.” He replied and said – “Yeah that’d be nice, maybe we could combine with a concert.” That was about a week ago. Since that conversation, I haven’t heard much from him.

So this is what I’m trying to figure out – does he still like me?

What if he meets someone before I have a chance to see him and tell him exactly how I feel?  I know I’m biased, but he seriously is one of the most amazing guy’s I’ve ever met/seen)

This is all driving me crazy, and I feel a really strong compulsion to tell him how I feel. I want to do this face to face. I’ve even been thinking of texting him and asking if he’d be free on such and such a day, tell him that I really need to talk to him, and that I’ll take a bus to come meet up, even just for a coffee. Any opinions on this idea? I don’t want him to think I’m crazy either though.

I guess my options are:

-wait until some concert comes up in Ottawa and he invites me down

-tell him that I need to come see him to talk about things (and tell him how I feel about him)

-ask him if we can skype/phone sometime to talk, but maybe that would feel impersonal..

PLEASE let me know what you think about this whole situation, I am beating myself up so bad over the fact that I may have let such a good thing go. I recognize that I might have a chance at it now, and I really, really don’t want to lose it. Thank you so much!

Signed, 

James

Dear James,

Thank you for pouring your heart out.  Now tell HIM all this.  He’s stated his feelings and attraction for you each time he’s connected with you.  This is over the course of a year.  He obviously feels the same way and has not wavered so just tell him.  Let him know you’d like to meet up with him in person.  Tell him when you’re with him how you feel.  If he’s unable to meet in person then over the phone or via text is acceptable as a last resort.  You don’t need to lay it on thick.  If he says he’s with someone else or not ready, then tell him that’s fine, but that if things should ever change to let you know as you’re open to exploring it.  And then let him think about it.  Don’t beat yourself up over the outcome.  You’re still at an age where you’re experiencing life and figuring out what you want and who you are.  How you feel today will likely be different in five years.  When couples who are together accept these changes and adapt to one another that’s where longevity comes in.  I’m sending you a copy of my book, “Jagger’s Revolution” which is all about having an intense crush on someone.  It is exciting, passionate and sexual.  I won’t tell you what the outcome is, but it is a good one. : )

 

 

If you have a question you’d like answered specifically around dating, relationships, love or any other pressing issue then shoot an email to “Ask Jagger” at dudelit@gmail.com  Be sure to leave certain information that you feel applies to your case whether you’re straight, gay, male or female.  Your name will not be used unless you approve.

Jagger is featured in the books “Jagger’s Revolution” about his journey to finding his current relationship and his dating hand guide, “Dude 101“. Jagger is the dark alter ego of writer Kevin Hunter. All advice and information is intended as a general guide and for entertainment purposes only. 

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Copyright © 2012 Kevin Hunter

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Posted on September 1, 2012, in Advice Column, Ask Jagger, Ask Kevin Hunter, Dating (Social Customs), Dude Lit, Gay, Kevin Hunter Author Writer, Romance, Young Adults and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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